The Job
by Celia
Summary: It was just an ad in the paper. An add with Squaresoft's name written on it. The tale of the poor girl who becomes head of the DSV, commonly known as the Disgruntled Side Villain department...
1. The idea that just wouldn't go away....

Note-

  
  


The idea that wouldn't go away...the nightmare of every writer. You know it's out there, it even might happen to you. One day, your happily writing and then-BAM-it hits you. You're caught in the web of a story you *know* is going to bring you down. It happens to everyone, usually with messy results.

  
  


This is my story.

  
  


**********

Disclaimer

  
  


Celia: Woe is me... I have no job at Square, no time, and no psychiatrist. Such is Celia.

  
  


Curse: I think that's you most pathetic disclaimer yet...

  
  


Celia: Really? Even including the 'it wasn't me' one?

  
  


Curse: Yeah...that scares me.

  
  


***********

  
  


Somewhere in the Middle of the Great Building that Is Square, people are running about, an occasional familiar face jumping out of the crowd. For example, I'm sure that the guy in the blue suit was Reno, and who couldn't recognize the famous sword of Sephiroth? The guy in the corner with the clown robes just *has* to be Kefka.

  
  


It is my first day on the job and the huge building and swarming mass that buzzes within it are overwhelming. When you have some of the biggest names in RPG history all under one roof, combined with the millions of people who bring them into existence, you have to admit the results can be overwhelming. 

  
  


Especially for the new girl on the job. 

  
  


One fine day, I was looking for a job in the paper, when a strange little ad caught my eye. on further investigation I realized that there was an opening at Squaresoft. Imagine my surprise when it mentioned working with some of the characters. My curiosity piqued, I had to investigate. The next thing I knew I was hired and sent to work with the DSV department. DSV stands for Disgruntled Side Villain. It may not be the most glamorous job, and there were some rumors about one DSV worker being burnt to a crisp, but well...I'm planning to work my way up from there.

  
  


Besides, the nice receptionist said I'd be working with the black mages. How hard could it be to handle a bunch of cute fun-loving creatures with pointy-hats and a lot of curiosity? So I follow the lady up a bazillion flights of stairs to their *holding room*.

  
  
  
  


She smiles and turns, disappearing down the corridor and into the crowd. Taking a deep breath I turn the doorknob and walk into the dark room.

  
  


But there are no black mages here. Instead, I come face to face with three tall, winged Waltzes who don't seem to be in a good mood...

  
  
  
  


To be continued....

  
  
  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Gah! What is it with me and crossovers? Someday, somehow, I'll write a normal story!!!! But until then, you'll have to forgive me.

  
  
  
  
  
  


-Celia


	2. The folks upstairs...

Nope! Celia ain't dead…not yet anyway. Right now I'm in the middle of a move, and so I may seem a little, uh, late. 

This would have been here earlier, but I just happened to hit the FFN's remodeling shutdown. Uh…put down the sharp pointy thing…c'mon, I'm serious! You could take out an eye with that!

*Runs from pitchfork bearing readers*

Disclaimer: All characters are copyright a bunch of people whose names I couldn't spell even if I had a million zillion years to do it in. This rules out Bugs Bunny, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and Stump-the no legged dog.

(go to Joe Cartoons to get the Stump joke)

The Job

Chapter One

It Came From the PR Room…

Well, I hafta say this is unexpected. I mean, after Two fried the last Public Relations thingy they sent up here, and Three decapitated the first (how dare he bring us popcorn without butter) you'd think the people up at the top would get the message. Oh well, Square was always stubborn. Anywho, this new toy seemed to turn to jelly at the sight of just little old Two. How intimidating could a cross-dressing Waltz be? 

Come to think of it…that would be a little scary.

Um, I'm getting a little off the subject here. So, as I was saying, the pink thing in the blue suit didn't seem to like us much. After all, its eyes were wide as saucers and it wasn't talking like the rest of them. I only heard one word of the unintelligible babble-mages. Ah yes, the hated word, despised by all the Waltzes. The stupid 'cute' creatures in purple stole the show from us superior magic-users. Especially…_him_. Oh I can't say the name…

Oh all right, Vivi. 

There, happy now? Now don't make me repeat or I'll freeze something. Like the blubbering PR newbie. Then again, I might do that anyway. It's getting on my nerves. Now it's saying there's some kind of mistake and it needs to be helping the mages, not us. Too late now…hee hee hee…Three's gonna be home soon and that's it for our PR. Three never is in a good mood when he comes back from Up There (scary music). 

Up There is slang for the floors where all the main characters hang out, and where the producers and screenwriters, and directors are located in the big building that is Square. Every now and then, Three gets fed up with being a side villain and decides to go up and get some publicity. To be more specific, he storms into the producer's office, grabs the nearest secretary by the collar, and tells everyone within hearing range (four to six miles) exactly what he thinks of the head of Squaresoft and his mother. Then, he demands to meet with the much insulted CEO.

Children are no longer allowed within a hundred feet of Squaresoft headquarters.

Needless to say, Three is promptly kicked out by security-Cloud, Fei, Sabin, and Squall-and then is thrown back down to the Disgruntled Side Villains department. (A.K.A. The Underworld) After all that, he broods at our card table and curses the big name villains for hours on end, every morning, noon and night. This leads to a sharp decline in our Blackjack tournaments. His favorite victims are Kuja, Sephiroth, and all the other 'long-haired hippies' out there.

I don't agree with him all the time… Kuja may be an ijit, but that doesn't mean everyone with silver hair and a bigger part in the Final Fantasy series is bad. Heck, Sephiroth's kinda cool in fact…but you don't exactly disagree with Three and live long unless you work Up There (scary music). What do you tell an eight foot tall Black Waltz with a bladed staff, bad attitude, and one BIG Thundaga? He's been practicing for the next time he runs into the story board editor for FFIX.

But I'm rambling again, and I need to get back to the pink thing, who has now told us that she is a she. And then she says that she needs to go back downstairs, and Two, being the bored (censored) that he is, decides to have some fun. Black Waltz style. Ooooohhh…that _has_ to hurt. But what am I sitting here narratin' for? LEAVE SOME FOR ME!!!!

__

The poor PR person was nearly torn to pieces, but saved by a most surprising factor.

Three came home, and he was not in a good mood…

*Pitchfork ridden Celia crawls out from the shadows, dragging behind her a ball and chain, her laptop, and a computer chair that has been Tacky Glued to her rear by angry readers*

Oi…moving cross-country is NOT fun, despite what anyone else may say…but I have my trusty laptop with me! So s'all good.

Anyway, for the definition of 'ijit' please read Red Draco's amazing series, 'Bass is NOT a Fish', 'Zero Tolerance', and 'Trip Through Your Wires', not necessarily in that order. She's the bestest Mega Man writer out there…far as I know anyway. Don't worry if you don't know anything about the series, I knew next to nil and still liked it. AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!!! Then she'll write the next chapter faster, and I'll get to read it!

=) Me like it mucho grande.

But anyway, forgive for my tardiness…and please don't hurt me…

-Celia

Mistress of Mayhem, Lateness, and Nothing in General 


	3. Spiffy stuff

Here I am with an super-de-duper bonus chapter to make up for all my missed weekends. Oi…and some peoples thought I was dead.

Readers: Aww…dangit.

Anywho, today we are taking a quick break from the regular plot line (plot? What plot?) to bring you this-The Good Morning Gaia Show!!!

*fast-paced news music is cued and the camera pans past the thousands of people holding signs bearing messages like 'Hi Mom!', 'Ziddy, you're mine!', 'Yeah, like, Sailor Scouts, like TOTALLY!', and 'Tenchi, I love yoooou!'. The camera switches its view again to a snappy looking news-room, at a desk sits two people, one, a humanoid dragon bearing a scythe, the other, Garnet*

Dragon Chic: Hello there fans, rabid otakus, and anime lovers in general! This is your favorite reporter, Celia! And here's our guest newscaster, the Queen of Alexandria.

Garnet: Thank you…um…authoress….Exactly what are you doing in the story?

Celia: Talking to you. At least that's what I was doing the last time I checked. 

Garnet: You know what I meant.

Celia: Well, I'm sittin' in a reporters chair, with reporting notes, and have a reporting contract. Why, my golly, I'm reporting news!

Garnet: Nice use of sarcasm. Now what are you doing in your own story?!

Celia: I have my reasons…besides, it is not up to you to question your author! I'm writing this piece o' crap and I can be in it if I want. Do you want me to make you bald?

Garnet: YOU WOULDN'T!

Celia: Wouldn't bet on it, sister.

Garnet: *gulp*…okay, okay…*mutters under breath then notices camera is on, smiles sheepishly and adjusts notes* Ah….Today we're reporting from the popular Dragoon Tower in Burmecia. It's six o'clock here, and we've got a lot to get through…I need to get back to running my country too…and there's that grocery list, and Zidane is gonna need help with those meetings, and then there's my lunch with Eiko, and some-

Celia-AHEM!

Garnet: Sorry…got carried away.

Celia: Riiiiiiiight. Anywho, today we have a special guest star- Cloud Strife!

Garnet: Uh, funny thing about that…

Celia: Huh? 

Garnet: He's not coming…

*View switches to outside the tower*

Celia: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!

Garnet: He had an appointment with Regis and Kelly that he couldn't turn down.

Celia: Is that so? Well, looks like I'm gonna need a flight to the good ol' US of A. COMMERCIAL PLEASE!!!!

*Adds for Miracle Grow, Oreck Vacuums, I can't believe it's not butter, Lilo and Stitch, and flamethrowers*

Garnet: Uhhh…well, since Celia's gone, I guess I'll just have to take charge……..In our next story, we, uh…cover the latest about the rebuilding of Burmecia…I think. Oi, director! Send in Freya!

Billy Bo Bubba Director: Whuuuuh?

Garnet: SEND IN FREYA!!

B.B.B.D.: Whuuuuuh?

Garnet: Send in Freya! She's the tall one in the orange suit!

B.B.B.D.: Duuuuurr…the rat?

Garnet: Uh oh…wrong thing to say, Billy.

Frately: Didth Ieth Heareth Some beingeth calleth my fairest Freya a rodent…eth?!

Everyone else: ?

Garnet: Explain to me how you can say '?'?

Frately: Beats me. Now where was I? Aw…I can't remember…AUUUUGH!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!

Freya: Oi…here we go again…Um, Garnet, we better get this interview over with. Frately needs to see his psychiatrist again.

Garnet: Fine by me. 

Freya: Cool.

Frately: Cool.

B.B.B.D.: Cool.

Garnet: So yeah, cool. So, first question. How has it been rebuilding the city?

Freya: Not that bad. The only trouble we've had is Frately forgetting the blueprints at a bustop. Other than that, it's been okay.

Garnet: Frately forget stuff a lot?

Freya: Yes. Get's lost in his own home sometimes.

Frately: I don't remember that!

Garnet: Really? Uh…okay then. Next question. *looks at notes* This one's from a fan. 'When's the next Riverdance performance?

Freya: This Saturday. Tickets can be bought for 100gil each. 

Garnet: What about royalty discounts?

Frately: Uh…hello?

Freya: Nope.

Garnet: Dang.

Frately: Ladies?

Freya: But we do have a 'saved the world' package.

Garnet: Yay! I'll take two then.

Freya: Sure. *scrounges around in pockets* Bubble gum…nope…spare lance…gyshal greens…map…Oh! Found my lucky gil!

Frately: Aren't you supposed to be running a show?

Freya and Garnet: No.

Frately: Oh. Okay then. Musta forgot that…

Freya: Where are they? I had'em this morning…

Garnet: While you look for those tickets, why don't we have another commercial break?

B.B.B.D.: Cool. *some drool hanging down one side of his mouth…*

*commercials for Rogain, Regent Cid's newest airlines, Cloud's hair gel, and gummy bears*

Somewhere in New York…

Celia: I hate these Wal-Marts! WHERE'S THE FREAKIN-FRAKIN-EXIT!!!!!

Annoyingly cheerful person: Why, no need to shout! Put a smile on! The exit's right over there, now don't you feel-AUUUGHGH!!

Celia: *Whistles innocently* Sheesh, ya try and buy a decent hand grenade and wind up getting lost somewhere between the cash register and the door. Oi…

Back on Gaia…

Garnet: I got Riverdance tickets! Oh YEAH! Who's da bomb! *notices camera on* Eehh…onto our next story. Umm…at Gamer Awards, Best Villain was given to Sephiroth, again. Best Supporting Role was given to Vivi. There was a nasty catfight between Yume and Din over Best Dance Routine, the award ultimately going to the nameless Cleyrian rat who was behind Freya. But why are you listening to me? Here's Zidane with our live coverage of last night.

*Screen switches to Ziddy, who is holding a microphone and sitting in between a couple of girls from Dead or Alive 3*

Zidane: Hey there, it's me, the current ruler of Alexandria, here at the GA pavillion. We have quite a turnout here, with every one from Kefka to Kuja…though come to think of it there's not a big difference between the two. I'm here with Chrono before the ceremony. So, Chrono, who do you think's gonna win Best Game this year?

Chrono:

Zidane: Don't know either? What about you and Marle? Getting along still?

Chrono: 

Zidane: That bad, huh? Hmm, well, I better get back to my reporting. Hey we should doubble date sometime, hows about Friaday? 

Chrono:

Zidane: Nothing happening on Saturday, huh? Cool. See ya around.

Chrono:

Zidane: *watches Chrono leave, then looks back at the camera* Great guy, that Chrono. Anywho, we've got the first award being announced, so I'll see you in a minute.

*camera switches to their on stage one. Lynx from Chrono Cross is opening the Envelope*

Lynx: And the winner for best game is….

*insert your own suspense*

Lynx: *sarcastically* Well here's a big surprise…FINAL FANTASY SEVEN!!!!

Zidane: Again? That's nearly five years in a row! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!! Why I outta! NINE HAD EVERYTHING!!! YOU LITTLE *screen goes black*

Garnet: *eyes wide* Okaaaay…um…COMMERCIALS!!

*Commercials for Pizza, Kentucky Fried Chocobo, Goooze, the end of the world, and Spiderman*

Garnet: What the heck did Zidane mean by Friday being open? I was going somewhere with Tifa then. And how the heck does he understand that silent freak! HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD!! That's it! I'm going home and finding out where that tailed jerk went last Friday! STOP THE CAMERA BILLY!

*Mog flies in, holding a letter*

Mog: WAIT, kupo, I HAVE URGENT NEWS!!! Kupo!

Garnet: *angrily* What?!

Mog: Regis, *huff*, and Kelly, kupo, were bombed by a dragon, and *hack* Cloud's coming here after all.

Garnet: Well tell him to forget it! I'm going home!! With or without a paycheck! *Storms of stage*

Mog: But what am I going to tell Cloud, kupo!

Cloud: Heard the whole thing.

Mog: AUGH, kupo!!!

Cloud: Don't worry about it. I don't care. 

Mog: Phew…kupo…*flies away*

Cloud: *Notices the Riverdance tickets Garnet forgot* Heeeeeey…

B.B.B.D.: Now what does Billy do…Billy no have show…*runs off crying*

Cloud: Well, my work here is done…better get out of the rain-soaked tower. It'll ruin my hair.

Celia: WAIT!!!! I'm coming!!!!

Cloud: Huh?

Celia: *Flies through window* Am I too late to do the interview!! CLOUD! YAY!

Cloud: Um…the shows over.

  
Celia: Dang.

Cloud: Yeah, that sucks.

Celia: Yep…so now what. I have now show, no characters, and no plot.

Cloud: Did you have a plot to begin with?

Celia: Good point. Oh well. *sniffles*

Cloud: Don't cry, you'll ruin the hair. Besides, I got tickets to Riverdance, and Tifa's busy on Saturday. Wanna come?

Celia: Riverdance? Sure, why not!

*So Cloud and Celia go off into the sunset, forgetting completely that they left the camera rolling*

Oi. Explain to me why I wrote that garbage, as fun as it was. Though I believe that it was four hour drive from one city to the next, during which my precious laptop's battery ran out, is the most-likely cause, I'm guessing it is the fact that I'm delaying writing the next chapter of the Diary. Oi…And yes, I know the whole 'ijit' deal is a shameless publicity stunt. Expect to see a lot of those. It's just me. First it was the Sly Eagle, then Red Draco, and then Kaori. Heck, you could be next. Just review and leave an address for me to go to. I e-mail back everyone who leaves their address, plus I read their stories. Find a lot of good ones that way. 

And if I'm being too subtle for those of you out there who don't understand response starved author syndrome, PLEASE!!!!! I NEED MY FEEDBACK!!!!! NOW!!! AHORA!! PRONTO!! SO GET YOUR BUTTS OVER HERE AND READ MY STORIES!!!!!!!! *breaths heavily and calms down*

Ahem…don't know what came over me back there. Oh well, see ya lataz!

-Celia

The Mistress of Mayhem, Chaos, and always Nothing in general


	4. Why Black Waltzes shouldn't be allowed t...

Hi there! Yep, that's right you yoinks! Celia's on time today!!

*snort*

After hitting the big ol' remodeling, moving cross country, and being lazy, she finally updated, only to find that the site would be going back down again anyways. So after waitng for a week since FFN has been up again, she finally is back on track. We should be having regular Saturday chapters from here on out. Except for the Diary. It's done.

Yeah, you heard me. El Finito. You can safely read it without having to worry about random down-times and months in between chapters, cause there are no more chapters. Except maybe the odd sequel that people are screaming for. Go figure.

But enough about that. I hope you enjoyed your bonus chapter, even with all the shameless plugs, lame humor, and psycho dragons.

Oh, and it has been brought to my attention that I spelled Crono's name wrong. (Chrono, Crono, what's the diff?) Thanks for that info, you know who you are. And I also screwed up Yuna's name, but lets not get into that. (Sorry all you people…)

You know…I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe I should actually start writing the next part instead of wasting space with this author's note…

Anywho, here's the actual chapter.

The Job

Chapter Three

It wasn't my day. And that was the understatement of the year. After having to put up with the Secretary from the Pit (apparently Square's head had wizened up and decided to put someone in front of their office that could handle angry mobs-Tifa, Celes, and Barret) and then being booted out on my rear by Cloud for the fourth time this month, and being laughed at all the way down the stairs, and finally coming home to find another PR lackey being tormented by my none too bright siblings.

Peachy, isn't it?

I wasn't too happy with this new development, and deciding that I wanted peace and quiet, I promptly smacked the two smaller waltzes heads together and sat down at the ancient card table to mull over my day and decide what it was I was doing wrong. Perhaps I shouldn't yell like a deranged psycho bent on revenge? 

Nah. 

Two grumbled something to himself before going back to the corner that he usually sulked in and hovered, glowering at everything in sight. One kind of sat there for a while…I think I may have stunned the pathetic creature. And as for our PR human? Well, the female went back to nursing her wounds quietly, like the rest of her tree-swinging flea-bag ancestors. Apparently modern living hadn't erased all human instincts.

Frowning to myself, I started to count the scratches in the old table out of sheer boredom. Other than card playing and torturing lesser villains, we Waltzes really didn't do much. Sure I had my game of trying to get a spot in the next video game, or upping our status from side villain, but even arguing with the local bouncers got dull after a while. Cloud wasn't all that chatty and Squall was even worse. Glancing up from the table, I scanned the room

Empty chairs, empty tables stretched on for a while, ending with the blank white walls that signaled the end of my domain. And like all villains, I didn't like to see boundries. I didn't like it when someone else had a larger slice of the pie, and I, unlike those goody two shoes upstairs, didn't like it when a sorry looking villain who hurls insults like 'you spoony bard' is considered Evil. 

What I did like was conquering stuff.

I came to a conclusion right about then. I needed a project, a 'hobby' if you will, but the only thing that interested me was domination. And taking over distant lands and causing mayhem in general was what I did best.

Not to mention we had a new PR human to play with…

I think my evil grinned scared Two a little, but right then I didn't care. I'd found a new way to strike back at the people upstairs, fill up my spare time, and fulfill all my evil plans.

And I sure wasn't going to sit around and do nothing…

Well, looks like Three's got a little ferret of an idea that wont go away any time soon…and Squaresoft HQ will never be the same…


	5. Three's Recruitment Process (i.e. threat...

Yes, I'm late. I'm later then I have ever been before...well, maybe not that late. And it's not all that long either. Sorry bout that, just working on a lot of other things. 

  
  
  
  


The Job

  
  


Chapter Four

  
  
  
  


It was like a nightmare...you know the kind, where you couldn't run, couldn't scream, couldn't anything. There sat my opposition, wreathed in evil glory, anticipating my answer to an impossible question. The idea itself was preposterous, and I would never, ever, in my right mind even consider it. But I had been told many a time that I had never been in my right mind...

  
  


I looked across at the table, more than slightly bewildered, questioning how that, within a few mere seconds my situation had went from fatal to...well, semi-fatal. At least I was alive. Sitting in the shadows was Three tapping his fingers lightly against the sole table, eyes glimmering under the brim of his hat. To his left was One, duct tapped to the chair in a vain effort to keep him from escaping, and on his right sat Two, still in shock from seeing his smaller brother captured with such ease and then detained for longer than half a minute. I believe it was some sort of record, but I wasn't sure. 

  
  


"So, do we have a deal?"

  
  


The Devil's offer lay before me, coated thick with evil and glazed in promises of a better tomorrow. And there I sat, without the faintest idea of what to do. My mind screamed to take the deal, and help Three in his quest to 'reform' Squarsoft, but my instincts were pointing me down the opposite path.

  
  


Sensing my ingestion, Three sighed and launched into 'salesman mode' again, "Listen, Miss, it's not like you have a choice really. What is your job?"

  
  


"To help you?"

  
  


"Precisely, and what will this be doing?"

  
  


"I don't-"

  
  


Three's staff 'slipped' dangerously close to my jugular, and without a second thought I knew my answer, "We have a deal!"

  
  


Three leaned back, grinning malevolently, "Good...I was counting on you."

  
  


Slightly horrified, I watched the Waltzes ooze happy evil while remaining stock still, like the infamous deer in headlights. 

What have I done?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


What has our heroine done? And what is Three's master plan? All will (probably not) be revealed in the next exciting installment of The Job!


End file.
